Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
