I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
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Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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