She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
