Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
