There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
