I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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