my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
