but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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