If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
