Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish life had little blips of pornography
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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