And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
