all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
