I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
