peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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