everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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