i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
