yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
