how can u be prego again
I just gift wrapped bread.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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