plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just sent this text using only my big toe
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
