i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
