If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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