I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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