well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
