My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
