Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
