I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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