i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
50% drunk capacity currently
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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