Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
