Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
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I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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