It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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