is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She's like a pop up book from hell.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
