I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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