my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
