i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
