she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
