She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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