I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
