we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
two words: eviction party
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
