The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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