I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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