I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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