Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
