If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
organizing the empties. That sober.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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