half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
