She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
