I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
