Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You pole danced in your parka.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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