dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
