I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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