You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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