She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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