my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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